OK, I'M GOING TO CALL THIS MY COMPLAIN PAGE FROM NOW ON! because I only come on here when I'm having a bad day, week, month....(you get the picture).

Please don't think my whole life is a bad day or that I am a complaining maniac. I guess when I am having a good day there's no need to sit around and think and analyze it but when I have had a rough day I sit around (usually with my laptop in hand) and try to figure out where I went wrong or what I did to deserve my current situation. So here goes my latest pity party.

So I've been missing my ex like crazy! Stupid, Stupid,Stupid of me to be missing him but what can I say I have no control over that damn heart of mine. I've tried to put it in a choke hold a few time and tell it who is the boss but it just laughs at me and goes on about its business of missing and wanting people and things that I can't have. Since I've been missing the ex I've been stuck wondering if I'll always be alone and I think I got a clue or view into the future over the weekend.

This weekend I had a "date" and I say date in the weakest form possible. I guess honestly it was a hook up not something I'm familiar with. I dated and married my first boyfriend and we were together for 15 years and when my marriage ended I said I did not want another relationship and only wanted to date casually. Well, my first attempt lead me to a 4 1/2 year relationship so it's safe to say I do not know how to do the hook up thing but I gave it a try and Lord it was a disaster that left me feeling humiliated and stupid!!!

This was Friday night so I've spent the rest of the weekend wondering what is wrong with me and why it seems like I am not the type of person that the opposite sex thinks should be treated like a human. I've also been planing my future. Let's see I figure 5 cats and 3 dogs should keep me company. I'm just joking but I do honestly worry about ending up alone. I do have my daughter but eventually she will have her own life. I guess I'm scared of being an old lady all alone. I really wanted to grow old with my ex and the thought of sitting out on the front porch sipping on tea on a fall day hugged up with my honey is still burning strong. I haven't given up hope yet but I'm getting close to giving up.

Just knowing that my ex has moved on and is happy and the chances of us ever being that old couple on that porch is enough to drive me crazy. And knowing that the only other person that I've had an interest in turned out to be a real creep has my heart feeling really heavy.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just babbling at this point. My head is full of question that I can't answer and that has me drained. Well let me sign off now because the damn heart won't leave me alone so I think I should go do something else to distract it.

SO CONFUSED!

I swear i have been walking around like a zombie lately. A zombie that is constantly in rage. And that my dear reader sucks!!!

I mean i'm a somewhat healthy woman, (constant migraines aside) with a beautiful child, a house, a job, and friends and family. So why do I always feel so damn mad. Why? I know why because I have a job that I hate!

Sure people say be grateful because there are a lot of people out there without jobs but when you have a job that drains everything out of you and leaves you angry and confused everyday it's hard to see the whole grateful thing.

I wake up everyday fighting with myself to get out of bed and not because i'm lazy but because I do NOT want to deal with all the crap that I know will come my way at work. And when I say crap I mean office crap!

I love the actual nature of my job, i love dealing with my patients, i love dealing with the lab work and to some degree i even like the paper work! What i (yes i'm purposely not capitalizing the "i" because i feel small) do not like is all the back stabbing and just flat out cold shit that goes on in the office.

On a daily basis I am made to feel like I'm worth crap by the people that i am helping. I am asked to do the work of many but when it comes time to reward me with say a title that i rightfully deserve i am looked over for some idiot that has spent most of her time kissing ass and playing sneaky tricks to get ahead. The one title that I am offered is a title that takes away from someone that is very special to me (i see her like a sister at this point). And why do you ask the title is offered. My guess is to 1. bridge a gap between us, 2. set each one of us for the fall, and 3. to have someone else do the work that the big shots do not want to do but want the credit for!!!

This job has my head spinning constantly and is turning my life upside down. I get home and most of the time i'm in a bad mood so i don't want to talk to anyone or i'm too damn tired to do anything with anyone (including my child). i want out but i have to be an adult and continue to "take it up the ass" until something else comes along because i have a child to take care of, a mortgage to pay so that i can keep a roof over our head, and bills to pay so that i can keep everyone else off my back!!!

I believe in karma and i'm hoping that all this crap i'm going through now will pay off eventually. I guess the job hasn't taken all of me yet because i do have hope for a better tomorrow everyday even when the job has beaten me down day after day after day.

Sorry for the complaining i just had to get it off my chest. And to my friend I hope that what this place has done recently will not effect our friendship because that would be so sad! You, Sylvia, Carolina, Sandy, Mimi and Maggie have been the only good that have come out of this job. I think of all of you guys as my family and I see you especially as a sister! so miss Merlot (my red headed twin) i'm sorry about what they have done and please believe me when i say that i will have your back in whatever way you want to handle things!!!

How could i have such a dream job, I mean God, I get to hold human lungs in my hand. I get to watch patients that were so weak just a year ago get stronger by the day because of a study i suggested to them. I get to stand by a patient's bedside and talk to them about everything under the sun to make them feel better. I get to hear patients say Thank You for all that you have done for me. I get to see life in motion everyday but yet I cannot fully enjoy it or sit back and consider the importance of my job simply because there are people that make it their job to make me feel like shit on a daily basis.

Now, I know someone is going to say stop focusing on the bad people and focus on the good that comes out of my job but unless you walk in my shoes and experience the constant crap i go through please don't comment.