SO CONFUSED!

I swear i have been walking around like a zombie lately. A zombie that is constantly in rage. And that my dear reader sucks!!!

I mean i'm a somewhat healthy woman, (constant migraines aside) with a beautiful child, a house, a job, and friends and family. So why do I always feel so damn mad. Why? I know why because I have a job that I hate!

Sure people say be grateful because there are a lot of people out there without jobs but when you have a job that drains everything out of you and leaves you angry and confused everyday it's hard to see the whole grateful thing.

I wake up everyday fighting with myself to get out of bed and not because i'm lazy but because I do NOT want to deal with all the crap that I know will come my way at work. And when I say crap I mean office crap!

I love the actual nature of my job, i love dealing with my patients, i love dealing with the lab work and to some degree i even like the paper work! What i (yes i'm purposely not capitalizing the "i" because i feel small) do not like is all the back stabbing and just flat out cold shit that goes on in the office.

On a daily basis I am made to feel like I'm worth crap by the people that i am helping. I am asked to do the work of many but when it comes time to reward me with say a title that i rightfully deserve i am looked over for some idiot that has spent most of her time kissing ass and playing sneaky tricks to get ahead. The one title that I am offered is a title that takes away from someone that is very special to me (i see her like a sister at this point). And why do you ask the title is offered. My guess is to 1. bridge a gap between us, 2. set each one of us for the fall, and 3. to have someone else do the work that the big shots do not want to do but want the credit for!!!

This job has my head spinning constantly and is turning my life upside down. I get home and most of the time i'm in a bad mood so i don't want to talk to anyone or i'm too damn tired to do anything with anyone (including my child). i want out but i have to be an adult and continue to "take it up the ass" until something else comes along because i have a child to take care of, a mortgage to pay so that i can keep a roof over our head, and bills to pay so that i can keep everyone else off my back!!!

I believe in karma and i'm hoping that all this crap i'm going through now will pay off eventually. I guess the job hasn't taken all of me yet because i do have hope for a better tomorrow everyday even when the job has beaten me down day after day after day.

Sorry for the complaining i just had to get it off my chest. And to my friend I hope that what this place has done recently will not effect our friendship because that would be so sad! You, Sylvia, Carolina, Sandy, Mimi and Maggie have been the only good that have come out of this job. I think of all of you guys as my family and I see you especially as a sister! so miss Merlot (my red headed twin) i'm sorry about what they have done and please believe me when i say that i will have your back in whatever way you want to handle things!!!

How could i have such a dream job, I mean God, I get to hold human lungs in my hand. I get to watch patients that were so weak just a year ago get stronger by the day because of a study i suggested to them. I get to stand by a patient's bedside and talk to them about everything under the sun to make them feel better. I get to hear patients say Thank You for all that you have done for me. I get to see life in motion everyday but yet I cannot fully enjoy it or sit back and consider the importance of my job simply because there are people that make it their job to make me feel like shit on a daily basis.

Now, I know someone is going to say stop focusing on the bad people and focus on the good that comes out of my job but unless you walk in my shoes and experience the constant crap i go through please don't comment.