OK, I'M GOING TO CALL THIS MY COMPLAIN PAGE FROM NOW ON! because I only come on here when I'm having a bad day, week, month....(you get the picture).

Please don't think my whole life is a bad day or that I am a complaining maniac. I guess when I am having a good day there's no need to sit around and think and analyze it but when I have had a rough day I sit around (usually with my laptop in hand) and try to figure out where I went wrong or what I did to deserve my current situation. So here goes my latest pity party.

So I've been missing my ex like crazy! Stupid, Stupid,Stupid of me to be missing him but what can I say I have no control over that damn heart of mine. I've tried to put it in a choke hold a few time and tell it who is the boss but it just laughs at me and goes on about its business of missing and wanting people and things that I can't have. Since I've been missing the ex I've been stuck wondering if I'll always be alone and I think I got a clue or view into the future over the weekend.

This weekend I had a "date" and I say date in the weakest form possible. I guess honestly it was a hook up not something I'm familiar with. I dated and married my first boyfriend and we were together for 15 years and when my marriage ended I said I did not want another relationship and only wanted to date casually. Well, my first attempt lead me to a 4 1/2 year relationship so it's safe to say I do not know how to do the hook up thing but I gave it a try and Lord it was a disaster that left me feeling humiliated and stupid!!!

This was Friday night so I've spent the rest of the weekend wondering what is wrong with me and why it seems like I am not the type of person that the opposite sex thinks should be treated like a human. I've also been planing my future. Let's see I figure 5 cats and 3 dogs should keep me company. I'm just joking but I do honestly worry about ending up alone. I do have my daughter but eventually she will have her own life. I guess I'm scared of being an old lady all alone. I really wanted to grow old with my ex and the thought of sitting out on the front porch sipping on tea on a fall day hugged up with my honey is still burning strong. I haven't given up hope yet but I'm getting close to giving up.

Just knowing that my ex has moved on and is happy and the chances of us ever being that old couple on that porch is enough to drive me crazy. And knowing that the only other person that I've had an interest in turned out to be a real creep has my heart feeling really heavy.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just babbling at this point. My head is full of question that I can't answer and that has me drained. Well let me sign off now because the damn heart won't leave me alone so I think I should go do something else to distract it.