Bad Love

How do you get over a bad love experience?

Today I got a call from a friend who is going through the same exact thing I'm going through, hurtful love.

While my hurt began four months ago(when my relationship of nearly 5 years ended because of continuous cheating that I couldn't put up with anymore) hers is fresh. As I sat there talking her through the why me questions I wonder why her? and for that fact why me?

We are both nice people, smart (i think anyway) hard workers, and gave our all to our relationships but somehow we both got used and abused by the men that were suppose to love us. Why?

Sadly I did not have an answer for her or for myself. And even sadder I couldn't tell her that it would get easier anytime soon because here it is 5 months later and I still find myself tearing up over my ex and over our situation. I also find myself full of rage when I think of all the things he did, all the lies, cheating, and just plain abuse he dealt my way while I did nothing but love him.

At first I blamed myself, maybe I didn't do enough but then I though about it. I gave him all the attention a man could want, ran his bath water, massaged him at night before he went to sleep, fed him, paid attention and forgave him when he messed up(which was often). I told him I loved him everyday but tried my best to give him room so that he didn't feel suffocated. I tried not to be one of those females that called their man 50 times a day, only calling when I knew he would be looking for a call. I did my best! I know that I have my bad day because no one is perfect!!!! but over all I know I gave him my all and even when he messed up I stayed true. And while I was giving my all he was taking all from me and giving me nothing in return.

After 5 years of trying and planning for the future I was left with nothing but tears and questions of why. And although I know this man is bad for me and that I would never give him another chance I can't help but to cry and guilty wait for a call, a call that has not come in 5 months! Instead all I have is news of a new love in his life.

Now how does that happen? He treats me bad, cheats on me, and leaves me like a piece of crap on the side of the road and his karma turns out to be a new love and a new life? unfreaking believable.

I'm not sure when or how my pain will heel but I do know that it will! And I do know that I will love again!

My friend had this to ask: if the man goes off with a new person and starts to treat that person good and does a 360 and gets his life together and settles down with this person does that mean that she was the problem. I know where her head is because I asked myself that question but you know what it is not on her nor is it on me!!!!

See no matter how that man changes it does not change how he treated her and as long as she did her best and she treated him good then it wasn't her. He was just in a place in his life where he was not ready to be a man. And yes it sucks that she had to be in his world at that time but it in no way means that his actions were carried out because of the person she was! I told her that I knew I was a good person and that she was a good person that just got caught in a bad place.

I feel so bad for her because I know that right now no matter what I say to her the pain is so deep that nothing is going to make her feel better. I remember that feeling and how I felt like I couldn't breath and the tears would never stop. The thoughts that keeps running around in the head, trying to put the puzzle together and the feeling of betrayal. That sadness followed by rage followed by the feeling of being better off, followed by the desire to have that person back, followed by the feeling of dumbness for wanting someone that has treated you so badly. Nothing will make sense for a long time. But eventually it gets a little easier and the tears don't fall like waterfall and the mind tends to occupy itself with something else. And eventually it will stop!

I'm not crying my eyes out anymore and it's not my only thought anymore but like I said I do still have a few tears at times and random thoughts and random rages but overall its getting a little better. I still wish sometimes that a call came in but I think that's more of an ego thing, no one like to feel like they can just be forgotten for good (you needing that closure and hearing the I'm sorry for treating you so bad). I know as time goes by I will forget altogether or maybe to the point where it's a very rare memory and I'm hoping that my friends gets there too, I know she will!!!

In the mean time I will continue to lick my wounds and be more selective in the future because I do not plan to give up on love! And I will continue to be there for my friend! She can scream, cry, punch something (not me..lol) and complain about the same thing over and over and know that I will never judge her or tell her to get over because I know its not an easy task.

They say that no one dies from a broken heart, you feel like you could die but you don't! and eventually your heart mends and you come out stronger. Well I'm looking to be one strong woman when I'm done hurting.