OK, I'M GOING TO CALL THIS MY COMPLAIN PAGE FROM NOW ON! because I only come on here when I'm having a bad day, week, month....(you get the picture).

Please don't think my whole life is a bad day or that I am a complaining maniac. I guess when I am having a good day there's no need to sit around and think and analyze it but when I have had a rough day I sit around (usually with my laptop in hand) and try to figure out where I went wrong or what I did to deserve my current situation. So here goes my latest pity party.

So I've been missing my ex like crazy! Stupid, Stupid,Stupid of me to be missing him but what can I say I have no control over that damn heart of mine. I've tried to put it in a choke hold a few time and tell it who is the boss but it just laughs at me and goes on about its business of missing and wanting people and things that I can't have. Since I've been missing the ex I've been stuck wondering if I'll always be alone and I think I got a clue or view into the future over the weekend.

This weekend I had a "date" and I say date in the weakest form possible. I guess honestly it was a hook up not something I'm familiar with. I dated and married my first boyfriend and we were together for 15 years and when my marriage ended I said I did not want another relationship and only wanted to date casually. Well, my first attempt lead me to a 4 1/2 year relationship so it's safe to say I do not know how to do the hook up thing but I gave it a try and Lord it was a disaster that left me feeling humiliated and stupid!!!

This was Friday night so I've spent the rest of the weekend wondering what is wrong with me and why it seems like I am not the type of person that the opposite sex thinks should be treated like a human. I've also been planing my future. Let's see I figure 5 cats and 3 dogs should keep me company. I'm just joking but I do honestly worry about ending up alone. I do have my daughter but eventually she will have her own life. I guess I'm scared of being an old lady all alone. I really wanted to grow old with my ex and the thought of sitting out on the front porch sipping on tea on a fall day hugged up with my honey is still burning strong. I haven't given up hope yet but I'm getting close to giving up.

Just knowing that my ex has moved on and is happy and the chances of us ever being that old couple on that porch is enough to drive me crazy. And knowing that the only other person that I've had an interest in turned out to be a real creep has my heart feeling really heavy.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just babbling at this point. My head is full of question that I can't answer and that has me drained. Well let me sign off now because the damn heart won't leave me alone so I think I should go do something else to distract it.

SO CONFUSED!

I swear i have been walking around like a zombie lately. A zombie that is constantly in rage. And that my dear reader sucks!!!

I mean i'm a somewhat healthy woman, (constant migraines aside) with a beautiful child, a house, a job, and friends and family. So why do I always feel so damn mad. Why? I know why because I have a job that I hate!

Sure people say be grateful because there are a lot of people out there without jobs but when you have a job that drains everything out of you and leaves you angry and confused everyday it's hard to see the whole grateful thing.

I wake up everyday fighting with myself to get out of bed and not because i'm lazy but because I do NOT want to deal with all the crap that I know will come my way at work. And when I say crap I mean office crap!

I love the actual nature of my job, i love dealing with my patients, i love dealing with the lab work and to some degree i even like the paper work! What i (yes i'm purposely not capitalizing the "i" because i feel small) do not like is all the back stabbing and just flat out cold shit that goes on in the office.

On a daily basis I am made to feel like I'm worth crap by the people that i am helping. I am asked to do the work of many but when it comes time to reward me with say a title that i rightfully deserve i am looked over for some idiot that has spent most of her time kissing ass and playing sneaky tricks to get ahead. The one title that I am offered is a title that takes away from someone that is very special to me (i see her like a sister at this point). And why do you ask the title is offered. My guess is to 1. bridge a gap between us, 2. set each one of us for the fall, and 3. to have someone else do the work that the big shots do not want to do but want the credit for!!!

This job has my head spinning constantly and is turning my life upside down. I get home and most of the time i'm in a bad mood so i don't want to talk to anyone or i'm too damn tired to do anything with anyone (including my child). i want out but i have to be an adult and continue to "take it up the ass" until something else comes along because i have a child to take care of, a mortgage to pay so that i can keep a roof over our head, and bills to pay so that i can keep everyone else off my back!!!

I believe in karma and i'm hoping that all this crap i'm going through now will pay off eventually. I guess the job hasn't taken all of me yet because i do have hope for a better tomorrow everyday even when the job has beaten me down day after day after day.

Sorry for the complaining i just had to get it off my chest. And to my friend I hope that what this place has done recently will not effect our friendship because that would be so sad! You, Sylvia, Carolina, Sandy, Mimi and Maggie have been the only good that have come out of this job. I think of all of you guys as my family and I see you especially as a sister! so miss Merlot (my red headed twin) i'm sorry about what they have done and please believe me when i say that i will have your back in whatever way you want to handle things!!!

How could i have such a dream job, I mean God, I get to hold human lungs in my hand. I get to watch patients that were so weak just a year ago get stronger by the day because of a study i suggested to them. I get to stand by a patient's bedside and talk to them about everything under the sun to make them feel better. I get to hear patients say Thank You for all that you have done for me. I get to see life in motion everyday but yet I cannot fully enjoy it or sit back and consider the importance of my job simply because there are people that make it their job to make me feel like shit on a daily basis.

Now, I know someone is going to say stop focusing on the bad people and focus on the good that comes out of my job but unless you walk in my shoes and experience the constant crap i go through please don't comment.

Bad Love

How do you get over a bad love experience?

Today I got a call from a friend who is going through the same exact thing I'm going through, hurtful love.

While my hurt began four months ago(when my relationship of nearly 5 years ended because of continuous cheating that I couldn't put up with anymore) hers is fresh. As I sat there talking her through the why me questions I wonder why her? and for that fact why me?

We are both nice people, smart (i think anyway) hard workers, and gave our all to our relationships but somehow we both got used and abused by the men that were suppose to love us. Why?

Sadly I did not have an answer for her or for myself. And even sadder I couldn't tell her that it would get easier anytime soon because here it is 5 months later and I still find myself tearing up over my ex and over our situation. I also find myself full of rage when I think of all the things he did, all the lies, cheating, and just plain abuse he dealt my way while I did nothing but love him.

At first I blamed myself, maybe I didn't do enough but then I though about it. I gave him all the attention a man could want, ran his bath water, massaged him at night before he went to sleep, fed him, paid attention and forgave him when he messed up(which was often). I told him I loved him everyday but tried my best to give him room so that he didn't feel suffocated. I tried not to be one of those females that called their man 50 times a day, only calling when I knew he would be looking for a call. I did my best! I know that I have my bad day because no one is perfect!!!! but over all I know I gave him my all and even when he messed up I stayed true. And while I was giving my all he was taking all from me and giving me nothing in return.

After 5 years of trying and planning for the future I was left with nothing but tears and questions of why. And although I know this man is bad for me and that I would never give him another chance I can't help but to cry and guilty wait for a call, a call that has not come in 5 months! Instead all I have is news of a new love in his life.

Now how does that happen? He treats me bad, cheats on me, and leaves me like a piece of crap on the side of the road and his karma turns out to be a new love and a new life? unfreaking believable.

I'm not sure when or how my pain will heel but I do know that it will! And I do know that I will love again!

My friend had this to ask: if the man goes off with a new person and starts to treat that person good and does a 360 and gets his life together and settles down with this person does that mean that she was the problem. I know where her head is because I asked myself that question but you know what it is not on her nor is it on me!!!!

See no matter how that man changes it does not change how he treated her and as long as she did her best and she treated him good then it wasn't her. He was just in a place in his life where he was not ready to be a man. And yes it sucks that she had to be in his world at that time but it in no way means that his actions were carried out because of the person she was! I told her that I knew I was a good person and that she was a good person that just got caught in a bad place.

I feel so bad for her because I know that right now no matter what I say to her the pain is so deep that nothing is going to make her feel better. I remember that feeling and how I felt like I couldn't breath and the tears would never stop. The thoughts that keeps running around in the head, trying to put the puzzle together and the feeling of betrayal. That sadness followed by rage followed by the feeling of being better off, followed by the desire to have that person back, followed by the feeling of dumbness for wanting someone that has treated you so badly. Nothing will make sense for a long time. But eventually it gets a little easier and the tears don't fall like waterfall and the mind tends to occupy itself with something else. And eventually it will stop!

I'm not crying my eyes out anymore and it's not my only thought anymore but like I said I do still have a few tears at times and random thoughts and random rages but overall its getting a little better. I still wish sometimes that a call came in but I think that's more of an ego thing, no one like to feel like they can just be forgotten for good (you needing that closure and hearing the I'm sorry for treating you so bad). I know as time goes by I will forget altogether or maybe to the point where it's a very rare memory and I'm hoping that my friends gets there too, I know she will!!!

In the mean time I will continue to lick my wounds and be more selective in the future because I do not plan to give up on love! And I will continue to be there for my friend! She can scream, cry, punch something (not me..lol) and complain about the same thing over and over and know that I will never judge her or tell her to get over because I know its not an easy task.

They say that no one dies from a broken heart, you feel like you could die but you don't! and eventually your heart mends and you come out stronger. Well I'm looking to be one strong woman when I'm done hurting.

A day of peace

Yesterday was such a nice day! I did something that use to be a staple in my everday life but somewhere along the line I lost. Hiking! I've been so busy with everyday life, you know the run here run there that keeps us from taking time to "smell the roses. So yesterday I thought why not take time and do something that use to make me so happy (not to mention that my behind needs to start working out and what better work out the hiking).

I had forgotten how peaceful hiking can be. You can just get lost for hours and your mind can actaully shut down! You become so taken by the tress, the sounds, the trails, and the water to the point where all those pestering thoughts that are always on your mind get sent away! I forgot how I tend to transform to this other person when I'm out there and how much fun it is to watch my daughter trying to out do her mom (because mom is too old to keep up, yeah right...lol)

We spent three hours out there and I swear in those three hours I felt like I took 2 years of stress of me! Don't get me wrong I was tired as hell!!!!!! Since I haven't hiked in over a year I was not prepared for a full hike. I knew that much but even on a light hike I was winded and sweating like a beast...lol....lol...but although it took a lot and I was tired, It was a good tired, a rejuvinating feeling came over me.

And when I got up to the Indian, a statue that I have sat by so many times before while I cried, laughed, and just spent hours thinking things through, I felt like I reached an old friend. One that has held all my secrets and has witness my tears over the years and somehow as weird as it sounds has made me feel better( you have to be up there looking at the scenary and being next to that indian to understand the feeling). We sat there and I just admired the view for a while and chatted with my daughter, who by this time was tired...lol...We hiked back down and followed the trail back to the car. I left the park feeling so refreshed (and a little sore...lol) and promised to make this a part of my life again!

Moms again a very cheap outing for you and the kids. Cost zero dollars the memories you build priceless!!

Even nature can be a little vain at times...lol...
This beautiful butterfly was spotted by my daughter while we were walking the trail. For some reason the butterfly started circling around us. After three circles it landed in front of us let us walk right up to it, stare at it, and take a picure of it. As soon as I took the picture the butterly flew up and away. As if to say look at me i'm pretty, now take a picture, and i'm off...lol


Becaue she likes to out do her mother all the time!...lol (i wasn't ready for climbing, still rusty...lol) My daughter trying to get close the waterfall
Me and my old friend. The view from up here is awesome!


Me no where near the trail yet and I was already sweating like crazy...lol

Being Tourist In our own back yard

Is that Jlo...lol

Like I stated before I like to go out with my daughter and just spend the day together. 2 weeks ago we decided to act like tourist around center city. Mom if you need something to do with your kids and you don't have a lot of money this is a great trick! It even works with teenager! All I needed was time, a camera (you know how teens love pics) and we were on our way to a fun day. We spent the whole day just walking around the parkway and acting silly like we've never been around the area (we did discover a few things that we had never noticed before!) and took picture. Out whole day outing costed a whopping $5.00 for parking and because we wanted to act fofi (upscale) $20.00 bux for lunch for two salads that were amazing!!! So here's the results of a day out.



Lord she acted a fool in there

The future rock star doing her first exit pose

Yeah ummm I think I need to help her study more....lol (she's clown like me!)

There are hosting the pirates of the carribean at the franklin Institute and the steps are overlayed like a map. I was pointing to Puerto Rico.
I wish I could have posted more but that's all they would let me upload. Needless to say we had fun.

Intro in Reverse

Hello everyone,

I guess I started my blog on the wrong end. I should have introduced myself first. I'm gata a single mother from North Philadelphia. I'm currently working as a research medical assistant for a pulmonary clinic (so yes I do not believe in smoking!!!!!). I'm also a full-time student, I'm presently attending Lasalle University workings towards my B.S in Health Information and Temple University working towards entrance into the nursing program. And as I mentioned I am a mother to the most beautiful, smart, silly, sweet, talented girl in the world!!! (my cookie). She is due to start High School this year (ahhh I'm getting old...lol).

Although I don't have much time as you can see working, child, and school when I do find a minute I like to have mother daughter days. We basically go to the movies, dinner, or just run around the city acting silly. This doesn't happen as often as I would like but I'm trying to make more time because I know my time is starting to run out before I know it she'll want to be out by herself and friends and mommy will have to take a back sit which I don't mind I want her to enjoy her teenage years! So I try to do whatever I can to make this time count.

Besides hanging with my daughter I love to hang with my friends. And yes as hard as I work I love to go out for a drink!!!! I'm not much into clubs because I can't dance! believe me its really scarry when I try...lol..but I like to go out and hang out a bar and have drinks with friends or go to dinner with them.

Let's see what else: Oh I like to go hiking, Love to read, Love music, and like to write (as you can tell by the long blogs...lol)

I'll be 36 this year (ewww just yesterday I was 25! young, skinny, and just hot...lol).

I'm hoping to make this coming year a big one!

By this time next year I want:

1. To be in a better place money wise

2. To be where I want to be career wise

3. To be in a healthier state (that means losing some of this weight....ahhhh)

4. Only have people that care about me around me

5. And maybe even have a real relationship- yes I'm single :(

Well I think that's it

What A Difference A Day Makes

My Inspiration for this blog (and she introduced me to this site...check her out http://timeforanotheradventure.blogspot.com

I wanted to open this blog a few days ago when I was angry as hell and couldn't figure out how to get rid of the anger but today I feel like maybe just maybe things might work out. I was passed over for a promotion again for the 6th time, not because of my skills because everytime I've been passed over I've been the one to train the person who was given the title I should have. I work hard and can't get ahead because my job has a little thing called kiss up and pass.

Anyway I was pretty down about being passed over again! You know how they say good things happen when you least expect it? Well it did!

A person came out of the blue like an angel and cared enough to step in and try to help me. She currently has a job that I was interested in a long time ago. This person that I just met a few months ago cared enough about what I have been going through to the point where she went to speak to management and tried to get me a spot with her! Although it's a long shot and probably won't happen I'm actually happy. Not so much about the chance of getting the position( although that would be sooooo cool) but at the fact that there are people out there that still care and not because they have something to gain from it but because they really want to help!

See i've been burnt by so called friends a lot in the last 2 years and just when I was about to give up on the friend thing and trust thing a person comes out of nowhere and shows me that you should never give up on others! She's really down to earth and reminds me of ME...LOL... a silly person with a big heart that wants to see everyone happy. I THINK WE WILL BE GREAT FRIENDS. I've actually calmed down about my job and not because I think anything will change but because I'm glad that there is someone there that understands, cares, and will not be fake just to get ahead! (not that i mean to leave out the others that I know also care because there are a lot of good people there!!!)

Some of you might think I'm being petty and over dramatic. But believe me if I was to go into detail about the job you guys would understand. Just think of working your butt off and having a college degree and you get passed over for a job you are already doing without the title or pay and will continue to do while others come and climb ahead of you and not because you do not have the skills but because of office politics. OK, I'm done with whinning because the point of this entry was supposed to be to show my gratitude to a person that took the time to care about my career and showed me that people do care about one another.

You know my scope said that I would meet someone that would make a difference in my life and damn it if I didn't meet her! THANX BEC FOR BEING A FRIEND!!!